Re-Fredding Sequence
Miranda Shadowind

(To the tune of "Funeral Sequence" from "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum". Italicized lines are spoken.)

THE SCENE: A secluded glade in the Forbidden Forest, where Miranda and Starkiller have just finished making an altar.

Starkiller:
Gather around, and let the Re-Fredding begin!

Miranda:
Wrongly fell,
thus we mourned
With this spell,
be reborn!

[A procession of Mourning Fangirls enters from the back of the glade and forms a half-circle around the back of the altar. Last to appear are two who bear a thick wooden pole to which Percy has been tied.]

Mourning Fangirls: (as they enter)
Ahh...ahhh...ahhhh... etc

Miranda, Starkiller:
Ahh!

Mourning Fangirls:
Ahh!

Miranda:
Slyth'rin was at his feet,
Gryffindor in his thrall,
All fangirls loved his humor,
And gall

Starkiller:
And hair

Miranda:
And pranks

Mourning Fangirls: (singing in the background as the "list" goes on.)
Slyth'rin was at his feet,
Gryffindor in his thrall. . .

Starkiller:
And genius

Miranda:
And sexyness

Starkiller: (quickly)
And don't forget his twindom!

Mourning Fangirls: ("fall" is drawn out)
Oh, why should such a prankster fall?

[In tandem with the next few lines, Percy is brought to the altar, untied, and shackled to the altar.]

Miranda:
Trait'rous kin,
fam'ly spurned,
for your sin,
you shall burn!

Percy: (confused)
Ladies, on behalf of my brother, I want to thank you for a lovely memorial. But don't you think I've suffered enough?! Cease your nonsense and release me! I'm sure we can come to some-

Miranda, Starkiller: (deviously, though still in rhythm)
Mwahahahahaha!

Mourning Fangirls: (likewise)
Mwahahahahaha!

Miranda: (waving her wand over Percy and the altar)
Set the runes,
Stronger, higher,
Check the moon,
Build the pyre!

[A handful of Fangirls pile split Elder logs under and around the altar before backing away. Miranda starts chanting in an arcane language.]

Percy:
What?! A pyre? What kind of pyre?

Starkiller:
A pyre of fire!

Percy:
Oh, a fire- WHAT?!

Starkiller:
You must be sacrificed!

Percy:
Sacrificed?! But-!

Starkiller:
Fred will rise from your ashes!

Percy:
Cease this madness at once! What you're doing won't work! And what will Mother say when she finds out she's lost another son?!

Starkiller:
We'll just tell her you're on holiday. Permanently.

[Percy attempts to reply, but is cut off by a surge of energy from Miranda's wand that causes a large bonfire to engulf the altar pyre. He screams in agony, but not for long.]

Miranda:
Slyth'rin was at his feet,
But we shall weep no more,
or find our consolation as before!
For now our precious Fred is reborn!

[As she gestures to the bonfire, it dies down, revealing Fred alive and unharmed and standing on the unmarred altar.]

Random Fangirl:
Look! Look! Fred's alive!

Fred:
And I'm going to stay that way! ... Oh bugger.

[He tries to Apparate away, to no success, and is quickly engulfed in the mob of squealing fangirls.]